You’re here because I am a swine to buy gifts for and you’ve been directed here gently by myself or a loved one. Sorry.
The short answer is: it’s easier not to buy me gifts and you should donate what you would have spent to The Patchwork Project because that is the greatest gift you can get me. I don’t value physical possessions very much, I am lucky enough to have an income that allows me to buy according to my needs, and I often like very particular things and I don’t usually communicate the details of these to others. This puts us both in an awkward position when you’ve put a lot of thought into a gift but it’s still, for whatever reason, not quite right.
- The Patchwork Project website
- Donate to The Patchwork Project on Cafdonate
If you do feel the need to get me a token gift, this page should hopefully clarify a few “safe” options.
Table of Contents
What to buy
This is a list of things I will accept as a gift.
A Charity Donation to The Patchwork Project
I am reiterating this here because I have a strong preference for this as a gift. Seriously. The Patchwork Project will put any money to better use than I will. They are the most important, most hard-working, people that I’ve ever met.
If you are a UK taxpayer please add on GiftAid during the process. This means Patchwork receive an extra 25% of your donation on top of what you give without any cost to you.
Please give what you can rather than simply a token donation. If you are donating as part of a one-off present to me, please consider donating all of the money you would spend on me on them whether that’s £2.50 or £25.
The best present you can get me is a recurring donation to Patchwork adjusted for your income and obligations (e.g. kids). We are still undergoing a cost of living crisis manufactured by a hostile and cronyist government. This affects all of us, including me and you, but it disproportionately affects those in need more; the people of Benwell and Scotswood already experience very deprived conditions and this is only worsening in this crisis.
If you can commit to a recurring donation, please adjust this upwards or downwards based on your income and obligations. The National Median Income in the UK is £30,500 per household. If you earn more than this either as a household or an individual I would kindly ask you to consider donating some more, proportionate to your income. A good rule of thumb is to donate what you would normally spend on a meal out or a takeaway for the entire household.
- The National Median income on the Office of National Statistics
A list of Matt-safe token gifts
As noted, I would prefer you to give more money to Patchwork. However I understand that gift giving is an important part of our culture and you may still want to give me a token item. Thank you for your kindness. Here’s a list of “Matt-safe” gifts in a rough order of preference:
- Snacks – please only buy one or two maximum as I tend to overeat! Please also do not buy anyting made by Nestlé (see the reasons why).
- Cheese – most cheese is fine! If you want specific suggestions I like brie, cheddars, stiltons, and cheese with strong flavours e.g. pickled onion or cranberries etc.
- Chocolate – most chocolate is fine. I like dark chocolate and fruit and nut chocolate a lot. If you want specific suggestions I love Tony’s Chocoloney, Dairy Milk, and Galaxy Caramel.
- Nuts – anything except walnuts! Cashews are a fave. Peanuts and almonds are also very nice. Flavoured nuts e.g. BBQ, salt and vinegar, or honey-coated are also very appreciated.
- Dried Fruit – anything except bananas or coconut. I like cranberries and raisins a lot. Dates and figs are also nice.
- Flowers and houseplants – don’t overthink this! Grab a cheap bouqet from a supermarket and I’ll be overjoyed. People should buy each other flowers more. I like most colours.
- If you fancy getting me a houseplant and are struggling, anything from this list would be delightful.
- Tea – Loose leaf only please to avoid plastic pollution in tea bags. The safest bet is some sort of flavoured Rooibos tea.
- Toiletries – Here be dragons, so don’t overthink. The list below is generally safe!
- Coal Tar Soap. Just go with Wright’s or Pear’s if you’re struggling.
- Simple brand facial moisturiser.
- Monte & Wilde brand Eau De Toilette: Sea Salt and Amber (the blue one), or Bergamot and Cedarwood (the green one). I don’t like the orange tobacco-flavoured one.
- Beard Oil: Cedar and Sage (Body Shop), The Buccaneer, or Milly’s Vanilla and Mango are all firm faves. Or just get me a bottle of jojoba oil!
- Handkerchiefs – plain white, cotton or linen.
Please do not buy me these things
This section exists to explain some things which are usually common or thoughtful gifts but that I will not enjoy, so I kindly ask you not to consider buying.
The main theme of this list is that despite you being very thoughtful I have strong preferences that are simultaneously shifting over time and oddly specific. I don’t often communicate these to others so there’s no way you have been able to keep up and it’s unfair to try and expect you to. It is much easier/safer to pick something from the above list than to try navigate any of these!
I’ve also tried to communicate why I don’t want a particular gift so you understand. I hope this doesn’t come across as ungrateful or rude.
- Alcohol – I do not drink alcohol.
- Anything branded (i.e. merchandise) – I don’t like branded things or merchandise even from franchises or hobbies I like.
- Board games – These are way too expensive to have as a token gift. Please just tell me about a cool game and we can work out the best way to get it and play together :-)
- Books – I’m quite funny about the books I own and do most of my reading via an e-reader. I’m also very political and might not enjoy the book you got me for an obscure reason despite you being quite thoughtful.
- CDs and DVDs – I get most of these myself, make digital backups and give them to charity so I don’t think it’s the best use of a token gift if you want to see me use it.
- Clothes (including accessories) – Even I do not know what clothes I will enjoy and I take years to decide to buy something. There is no way I can ask you to take everything into account here.
- Decorations or Ornaments – I do not like these, even if they are from franchises/topics/hobbies that I otherwise enjoy.
- Electronics or Gadgets – I don’t like a lot of modern gadgets and I prefer low-tech stuff. I am also painfully privacy conscious and am very critical of modern apps, devices, and tech.
- Jewellery – See Clothes.
- Homeware and Cookware – we like to keep “stuff” to a minimum in our home and only acquire things that solve problems for us, and we like to hunt for stuff in charity shops to get used things.
- Mugs / Cups – I don’t like owning too many mugs and only use one for everything.
- Paintings or wall art – I don’t like feeling forced to hang something I haven’t chosen. Please get me a houseplant or some flowers instead.
- Pagan stuff – this is very thoughtful but “Pagan” is a minefield of different faiths and umbrella terms and it’s a lot to ask for you to get up to speed on my specific niche.
- Stationary – I have everything I need and am very particular about stuff like notebooks.
- Stocking fillers – my brain will instantly class this as clutter and I won’t like it, sorry.
- Videogames – they’re too expensive and I don’t play them much.