You’re here because I am a swine to buy gifts for and you’ve been directed here gently by myself or a loved one. Sorry.
The short answer is: it’s easier not to buy me gifts and you should donate what you would have spent to The Patchwork Project because that is the greatest gift you can get me. I don’t value physical possessions very much, I am lucky enough to have an income that allows me to buy according to my needs, and I often like very particular things and I don’t usually communicate the details of these to others. This puts us both in an awkward position when you’ve put a lot of thought into a gift but it’s still, for whatever reason, not quite right.
- The Patchwork Project website
- Donate to The Patchwork Project on Cafdonate
If you do feel the need to get me a token gift, this page should hopefully clarify a few “safe” options.
Table of Contents
What to buy
This is a list of things I will accept as a gift.
A Charity Donation to The Patchwork Project
I am reiterating this here because I have a strong preference for this as a gift. Seriously. The Patchwork Project will put any money to better use than I will. They are the most important, most hard-working, people that I’ve ever met.
If you are a UK taxpayer please add on GiftAid during the process. This means Patchwork receive an extra 25% of your donation on top of what you give without any cost to you.
Please give what you can rather than simply a token donation. If you are donating as part of a one-off present to me, please consider donating all of the money you would spend on me on them whether that’s £2.50 or £25.
The best present you can get me is a recurring donation to Patchwork adjusted for your income and obligations (e.g. kids). We are still undergoing a cost of living crisis manufactured by a hostile and cronyist government. This affects all of us, including me and you, but it disproportionately affects those in need more; the people of Benwell and Scotswood already experience very deprived conditions and this is only worsening in this crisis.
If you can commit to a recurring donation, please adjust this upwards or downwards based on your income and obligations. The National Median Income in the UK is £30,500 per household. If you earn more than this either as a household or an individual I would kindly ask you to consider donating some more, proportionate to your income. A good rule of thumb is to donate what you would normally spend on a meal out or a takeaway for the entire household.
- The National Median income on the Office of National Statistics
A list of Matt-safe token gifts
As noted, I would prefer you to give more money to Patchwork. However I understand that gift giving is an important part of our culture and you may still want to give me a token item. Thank you for your kindness. Here’s a list of “Matt-safe” gifts in a rough order of preference:
- Snacks – please only buy one or two maximum as I tend to overeat! Please also do not buy anyting made by Nestlé (see the reasons why).
- Cheese – most cheese is fine! If you want specific suggestions I like brie, cheddars, stiltons, and cheese with strong flavours e.g. pickled onion or cranberries etc.
- Chocolate – most chocolate is fine. I like dark chocolate and fruit and nut chocolate a lot. If you want specific suggestions I love Tony’s Chocoloney, Dairy Milk, and Galaxy Caramel.
- Nuts – anything except walnuts! Cashews are a fave. Peanuts and almonds are also very nice. Flavoured nuts e.g. BBQ, salt and vinegar, or honey-coated are also very appreciated.
- Dried Fruit – anything except bananas or coconut. I like cranberries and raisins a lot. Dates and figs are also nice.
- Flowers and houseplants – don’t overthink this! Grab a cheap bouqet from a supermarket and I’ll be overjoyed. People should buy each other flowers more. I like most colours.
- If you fancy getting me a houseplant and are struggling, anything from this list would be delightful.
- Tea – Loose leaf only please to avoid plastic pollution in tea bags. The safest bet is some sort of flavoured Rooibos tea.
- Toiletries – Here be dragons, so don’t overthink. The list below is generally safe!
- Coal Tar Soap. Just go with Wright’s or Pear’s if you’re struggling.
- Simple brand light facial moisturiser (this one).
- Monte & Wilde brand Eau De Toilette: Sea Salt and Amber (the blue one), or Bergamot and Cedarwood (the green one). I don’t like the orange tobacco-flavoured one.
- Beard Oil: Cedar and Sage (Body Shop), The Buccaneer, or Milly’s Vanilla and Mango are all firm faves. Or just get me a bottle of jojoba oil!
- Handkerchiefs – plain white, cotton or linen.
Please do not buy me these things
This section exists to explain some things which are usually common or thoughtful gifts but that I will not enjoy, so I kindly ask you not to consider buying.
The main theme of this list is that despite you being very thoughtful I have strong preferences that are simultaneously shifting over time and oddly specific. I don’t often communicate these to others so there’s no way you have been able to keep up and it’s unfair to try and expect you to. It is much easier/safer to pick something from the above list than to try navigate any of these!
- Alcohol – I do not drink alcohol. I sometimes drink some mead at the solstice, but please do not buy me any because I often don’t even drink then.
- Anything branded (i.e. merchandise) – even franchises or hobbies I like. This goes for cups, stationary, clothing, toys/trinkets, games, etc. No Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Linux, etc.
- Board games – These are way too expensive to have as a token gift. Please just tell me about a cool game and we can work out the best way to get it and play together :-)
- Books – I am very funny about the books I own and do most of my reading via an e-reader. Another factor in this is that I am very political and might not enjoy the book you get me despite it ostensibly being thoughtful. Please do not buy me eBooks either.
- CDs – I have no way of playing them and I buy all of my own music digitally.
- Clothes (including accessories) – Even I do not know what clothes I will enjoy. Style and fit are important factors in how I choose my clothes but I also value the feeling of the fabric and the environmental impact/durability of the item. There is no way that I can ask you to do all of that thinking and keep up with my often very fickle and inconsistent-but-oddly-strict preferences. Please do not buy me clothes. Even if you’ve heard me say “Oh I fancy getting myself
[insert item of clothing here]”; there is no way that I have communicated everything I have in mind about the item and I guarantee that you cannot read my brain. I also often take months or years to decide to actually buy something; I took 5 years deciding on a watch. - Decorations or Ornaments – I do not like these, even if they are from franchises/topics/hobbies that I otherwise enjoy.
- DVDs – I have no way of playing them.
- Electronics or Gadgets – I don’t like a lot of modern gadgets and I prefer low-tech stuff. I am also painfully privacy conscious. If I have to plug it in, it makes a noise or lights up, or connects to the internet do not get me it even if you’re sure. Tell me about it and I will either get it for myself or read up on it. I do not need a tablet, Alexa, new phone, smartwatch, bluetooth speaker, TV, etc.
- Jewellery – See Clothes.
- Homeware and Cookware – Again, I like to curate this based on what I actually need and how I live my life. If you want to get me some homeware as a gift, it’s much better just to get me some tea or some snacks. I have only ever received one piece of cookware as a gift that was exactly what I wanted and this person lived with me for two years including the 2020 lockdowns. It is impossible to replicate this feat.
- Mugs / Cups – I felt compelled to put this here because I see people buying them for each other all the time. I will not use it and will donate it to charity. I have one stainless steel mug and a stainless steel bottle that I use for everything. No novelty mugs, large tea mugs, or designer cups, please just get me some Rooibos instead as I will actually appreciate that a lot more.
- Paintings or wall art – I am a git for things on my wall. Please get me a houseplant or some flowers instead.
- Pagan stuff – It is very thoughtful of you to consider getting me something pagan for a gift, but ‘pagan’ is a very big umbrella term which encompasses a wide variety of faiths and approaches to those faiths. Your thoughtfulness will likely lead you down the wrong direction because a lot of people have written a lot about this online. Please do not get me anything with pentagrams, runes, or viking stuff on them. I worship some older European gods but I am not a viking nor am I particularly into viking stuff. I am also not a Wiccan, so please don’t get me anything Wicca-related. I tend to keep my worship relatively private and within the confines of my family. If you’re interested in discussing theology or my religious practices please just ask.
- Stationary – I am very choosy, and very changeable, about my notebooks, journals, and stationary. Additionally, I don’t need it. I have one mechanical pencil where the lead lasts me five years between refills and one refillable fountain pen where the ink lasts me approx three years per bottle.
- Stocking fillers – You know the type of things that appear in supermarkets and in places like Fenwicks around Christmas time? Wooden puzzles, “man” toys, red boxes containing gizmos, or funny shot glasses, or “grooming kits”. Please, please, do not get me any of that because I will not use it. I will appreciate some simple toiletries and/or snacks much more than these things.
- Videogames – I don’t play them very much. When I do, I am always five years behind and there’s no way of knowing what I fancy playing at that moment.